The Rules of the Road

It's summer time in this great nation, and that means lots of great destinations for you and I to travel to via the great American highway system. Thanks to the threat of imminent attack and the need for places to land planes in an emergency, instead of developing sustainable, long lasting, and efficient rail-way systems that don't suck, the U.S. government decided way back in the 40's and 50's that being able to drive cars anywhere ought to be the glory of the union. Well, I'll admit, it sure does beat riding camels everywhere.

But, despite all the effort to build 8 way crossover intersections and roads that take you north/south but are called east/west, somewhere along the line someone forgot to actually teach Americans the real rules of the road. Now, I'm not talking about your drivers ed. rules or your DMV rules. NO. I'm talking about your balls out weekend warrior rules. You wont find most of these written in any book, but I promise you they are real and strict adherence to the rules will ensure safe and pleasureful lifestyle conservation, as well as teach a few dumb asses how to ACTUALLY drive.


Rule Number A) If you're driving a Uhaul to move all your stupid shit, YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO LEAVE THE RIGHT LANE! I swear if I get cut off by another retarded person driving a Uhaul I'm going to follow them to the next rest stop and piss in their gas tank.

A.5) Woman don't drive Uhauls.

2) If you drive the speed limit or slower and refuse to leave the left lane, you're a dick, however stay the fuck in the left lane while I pass you on the right. Changing your mind while I'm already passing you doesn't work, moron.

3) If you have the right of way, TAKE IT! Letting the person to your left go before you isn't being nice, it's inefficient. Rules have no room for altruism. If you want to do something nice for someone today, help an old lady cross the street.

4) Only hot biddies drive Wranglers (a.k.a. Wrang-bangers). If you're a dude, you're girlfriend in the front seat is only with you to feel hot, but she's probably not.


5) Cruise control at 55-60 mph gets the best gas mileage.

6) If passing a car full of hot biddies, pre-prepared "let's see some tities" signs are appropriate and must be adhered to by said biddies if presented.

7) Sunglasses must always be worn, especially while going through tunnels.

8) Stand still traffic is a legitimate place to tap the keg.

9) If three mini coopers converge upon each other in traffic, the three must travel together for the rest of their trips.

10) It is an unwritten rule of the road that fast food "must" be consumed on road trips. As I despise fast food, I find this a bit much. However, all things in moderation are O.K., so fast food is acceptable. On the other hand it is required if the hot biddy in the wrang-bang is going there too. (Click the pic)


11) NEVER STOP WHEN MERGING ONTO A HIGHWAY, ALL OF PENNSYLVANIA! 

12) Don't you dare finish the red rope licorice!

Better when I'm movin',

Bloom