A heated debate has taken place in our country over how to stimulate the economy to influence the flow of money to the lower and middle classes. As a member of the lower class, according to my income tax bracket, I will receive a check in the mail for $300 dollars this summer to go out and spend on whatever I want. What a concept! Give all the poor American's who are losing their jobs to overseas outsourcing, their businesses to surpluses of imported consumer products, and their homes and money to banks and insurance companies, a couple hundred bucks so they can "stimulate the local economy." First of all, the audacity of handing out money to your poor people and encouraging them to go spend it on what they want is, in my mind, RETARDED. Not because I think we should all suffer the burdens of a broken dream without any help from our dear old Uncle Sam. But seriously, where do they expect people are going to spend this money? The local lemonade stand? Fuck no. If they're financially stable like me, they'll put it into some nice corporate stocks or mutual funds. Not very stimulating. Since the chances are that the people getting these checks are in debt to some fucking bank, or credit card, or insurance company, or a large Italian man named Guido, that money isn't going anywhere but back into the pockets of big business.
"But Bloom, if they can pay off their debts then they can spend their earned money elsewhere," the idiot son of a Connecticut republican claims.
"No, you sear-sucking waste of life. All that $300 does for those people is give a false sense of hope until the next bill comes in and they're right back where they started again," I modestly reply.
Their is no way cash will do a damn thing to help the economy that's fucked because of credit. Giving people a single chance to buy food AND pay the Man is just a cruel joke. I'd like to know what percentage of that cash is going to get spent on Drugs anyway. If you ask me, Drugs are probably the only stimulation this money will provide. But then again, even a drug dealer's got to spend money to eat, so I guess Congress has got it all figured out. Sorry Alan Greenspan, I guess they just lost interest.
Finally, I offer my own stimulus proposal. Bloomonomics believes in employment for lifestyle conservation as the seed to stimulation. As such, I am offering several employment opportunities for qualified citizens of BloomNation once I become a millionaire and can do so. Applications for the following will be accepted starting immediately until all positions are filled.
Chapstick Applicator - Job requirement, two sets of lips.
Pants Picker upper - Requirement, must be able to stare at my ass for extended period of time.
Grundle Trimmer - For those hard to reach places.
Morning Wake-up Singer - Eunuch preferred, females also accepted.
Portable Electronics Holder - To reduce exposure to radiation
Head Scratcher - Slender fingered females only.
Monkey Trainer - Someone needs to train the monkey to use the chapstick when the Applicator gets the day off.
Always monkeying around,
Bloom
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